Where am I Lord?.  I am still so semi-numb, its been 3 weeks since I got the call  letting me know my husband had passed, you know Lord,  the man that was so instrumental in me becoming the woman I now am,  the man you placed in my life to show me what unconditional love looks like,  the man who I loved and who made me realize I had never been in love before, now he is gone just like that,  he's gone.  I was finally looking forward to growing old together, doing ministry together,  discovering what a good marriage was, I had such high hopes for us.  Now its over

You know its kinda funny how you can be sad and in the grief process but still be happy for the one that has been taken home with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ,  I know the scriptures let us know we shall see our loved ones again but right now that does not stop how I feel,  I will never see my husband walk into this house again, or have him call me just to talk about nothing, I want to scream, to cry, to understand why,  why after all the years we were married and struggling to treat each other the way God said,  we had finally got to that place,  we respected each other, we had stopped putting each other down, we had learned to look for the the beauty inside each other,  and then Larry died.

Now,  I don't know where I'm at,  I don't know how I feel, I don't even know if I feel,  all I know is my life has changed in a way I don't yet understand.  Yes Lord I do trust you and I know you are here with me and you will never leave me but I just want to be silent before you, just to lay in your presence,  not talking about anything,  just laying at your feet,  just silent before you.  I love you Lord.